90210: Like a TV Root Canal

90210, aka: TWSOT, The Worst Show on Television, was so bad last night, it should have come with a barf bag and a warning label.

Here are the highlights of the lowlights...

-Naomi, the supposedly most evil girl in school, is faux-crying in the first 10 seconds of the show. Bullies don’t cry, they drink your tears like sugar-free Red Bull and it gives them wings. Hannibal Lector never cried. Charles Manson never cried. Naomi needs to suck it the eff up! Six minutes in, Naomi’s crying again. Granted, this time it’s to manipulate Annie but it’s so commonplace no one thinks twice seeing her glycerin tears.

-Adrianna, walking over to Naomi as she dries her eyes, saying, “Poker game tonight; are you in?” “I wish I could,” Naomi says as she dabs her cheeks with powder, “but I have my own games to play.” How Alexis Carrington. Sadly, those games are as complex, well planned and sharply executed as a five-year-olds. We suddenly realize that there are writers being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to concoct this crap and we seethe. Storytelling like this deserves a salary of government cheese and a pack of Juicyfruit. You people SUCK!

-The slo-mo shot of Annie's Kansas ex-boyfriend, Jason, rising from the pool like Venus on the half shell meets Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.They sure grow ‘em cute in the Midwest. 9021-no is turning up the heat.“I would hug you but I don’t want to get you all wet,” Jason says. Too late.

-Mr. Matthews (hello, Ryan Leggo My Eggold) walking Roxy, his dog. A hot man and his hot dog. Cover it in mustard and we’d swallow it whole!

-Halfway through we notice Shenae Grimes’ intensely raspy voice and it makes us wonder just how much she’s purging. We’re gonna say, a lot.

-Annie waking up on her 16th birthday and deciding to wear a massive, hideous bow on her shirt like she’s her own birthday present. We hope this hooch comes with a gift receipt because we’d like to return it for something we’ll actually use. No joke, we’re going to punch Shenae in the face if she doesn’t get an acting coach soon. She’s TERRIBLE!!!

-Kimberley's drug bust. Her back-up got there fast! Almost as quickly as the narc storyline was over. Awww, we didn't even have a chance to care. Oh well. NEXT!

-Fifty minutes in, Naomi’s crying. Again. It’s like keeping track of how many times people have sex on The Tudors; this is the only way we can stay focused on this show. It’s like "Where’s Waldo"...but with bad acting.

-Naomi and Annie’s cat fight turning into a war of words. We want to see a weave-snatching, face-scratching, dress-shredding, fountain-falling grudge match. Instead we get a playground bitchfest that’s interrupted by Josh Henderson (does anyone remember him from Desperate Houswives?), their long-lost half-brother who is apparently in the military (that’ll limit his time on the show), arriving to confront Annie’s dad and Naomi’s mom. Are we supposed to be scandalized? Or even awake? Boooring!

That’s an hour of our life we’ll never get back.

When is this garbage getting cancelled?