90210: The Kids Are Not Alright

After months of sheer exhilaration, last night we gleefully tucked into the premiere of 90210. Two hours later, we were left slightly baffled, a little annoyed and generally disappointed.

Having been in our adolescent prime the first time the show premiered, we wondered if our reaction was a mixture of bitter nostalgia and cantankerous “I’m too old to enjoy something like this” elitism but the night before we’d be rapturous at the return of Gossip Girl. This wasn’t us being crotchety, 90210 2.0 simply didn’t deliver.

When the show originally premiered in 1990, the world we were invited into was completely unknown. We were just like the Walsh family; sucked into a glamorous tsunami. Malibu, Beverly Hills, Bel-Air, the stomping grounds of Los Angeles’ elite were playgrounds for Valhalla decadence we mortals had no concept of.

With tabloids, paparazzi, celebrity coverage and the internet, there’s no mystique anymore. Not only have we seen Malibu, we saw it smothered in Mel Gibson’s racist, drunken triad and Beverly Hills is just another place for Britney Spears to get a frappe and show the world she hates panties. The veil has been lifted; the All Powerful Oz is just a squat little nerd in a bad outfit and Beverly Hills is just another neighborhood with too much money, time and OxyCon on its hands. But that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be fascinated if 90210 stepped up its game.

After last night’s two hour drone, the first thing we asked was: What was memorable? The answer: Almost nothing. In fact, only three things really stood out.

#1. Andrea Zuckerman and Jesse Vasquez getting a shout-out via their offspring Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez, a school reporter (natch). While Hannah is giving her morning school newscast, young, hip, hot teacher Ryan (our man Ryan “Leggo My” Eggold) says “What is that girl, like 30?” giving former cast member Gabrielle Carteris a little love. (She was 28 during the show’s first season.)

#2. Ryan Eggold. We’ve been singing his praises for months now and it’s not just because he looks like Edward Norton and John Cusack’s love child. He’s a fantastic actor and one of the only grounding and believable characters on the show. Thankfully, at the very end of the second episode, they blatantly imply that Ryan is going to be the new Dylan (hello, love triangle). Kelly and Brenda have themselves a man to bicker over and it’s RyRy. That is so much better than the night they wore the same dress to the spring dance and Brenda and Dylan totally did it for the first time!

#3. Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty and Joe E. Tata with their forced, awkward and absolutely delectable reunion at the new Peach Pit. “Gimme a shake and fries, extra crispy!” Brenda’s intro line was cringe inducing but getting to see her and Kelly was also the reason we tuned in, proving the show still belongs to the old guard. If last night was any indication, this revamp is going to need constant cameos (Cindy and Jim visit from Hong Kong! Valerie Malone smokes pot on Rodeo Drive! Emily Valentine tries to burn a homecoming float…again!) to maintain any heat.

90210 Redux needs a teen pregnancy, an OD, a take-back the night rally, something to make the show interesting because the current cast and the sad sack writers aren’t cutting it. Do you really care if Dixon makes the Lacrosse team? And, for that matter, lacrosse? Really? Why not make it the equestrian team or badminton? That would be almost as titillating.

Speaking of titillating, do they really think an implied blowjob in the first five minutes is going to keep viewers locked in? And who cheats on their girlfriend in their own car, parked smack dab at the center of the thoroughfare of people heading to class?

The same people who climb onto the “H” of the Hollywood sign and slide down 50 yards? That was the stupidest, most improbable anecdote in the history of television.

And was anyone else as aghast as we were watching Annie (Shenae Grimes) demonstrating her passion of song during the little “Spring Awakening” number? Remember when you used to watch Star Search and get second hand embarrassment? We had that watching Shenae convulse, seize and spasm her way through a series of “O” faces and jerky choreography while was she lip syncing her little heart out.

Of course, you know Adriana, the purse-stealing, pill-popping wannabe actress will either OD or get sent to rehab or jail and Annie will get the lead in the musical in the next few episodes. At least that’s something to look forward to.

There’s nothing Midwest about the Midwestern family, except that they keep talking about how they’re “not like these big city folk” and the new kids fell into the cool clique’s inner sanctum on the first day of school. Boooring.

The bitchy girl (Naomi/AnnaLynne McCord) cries too much, the hot guy (Ethan/Dustin Milligan) isn’t hot enough and the angry, “outsider” girl (Silver/Jessica Stroup) has a fanbase of half a million people online.

These kids suck! And, p.s., so does opening credit sequence.

90210 has a lot of catching up to do. Lacking the bitchy, debaucherous revelry of Gossip Girl, it comes out more like a half-baked OC with a built in fan base. Once the cameos run dry, what will be the reason to tune in…besides Leggo My Eggold?