90210: The Worst of the Worse

With no more Kelly or Brenda on tap, 90210 2.0 returned to the CW after almost a month on hiatus and, if it’s possible, we think Shenae Grimes’ acting actually got worse over the break. But that wasn’t the worse of the worst. Here are the highlights of the show's lowlights.

-Ethan (Dustin Milligan) and Annie (Shenae Grimes) conspiring on how they’ll be able to go to the Homecoming Dance together without going to the Homecoming Dance together and inspiring the wrath of Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord, looking older and more buck toothed than we remembered her): Ethan: “Oh my gawd, you’re here? Oh my gawd, I’m here too.” Did someone actually put pen to paper and write this garbage? Their flirting has all the finesse of watching a hippo hump a puppy.

-Six minutes into the show, AnnaLynne McCord is already fake crying. DUDE! You can’t be the school bitch if you cry every six minutes.

-Adrianna surviving her OD and is being sent to court-ordered rehab. Booooring. We wanted a 90210 funeral and “Just Say No” episode. That what they would’ve done in the old days and it would’ve been both interesting and topical.

-Naomi invites Annie over to get ready for the dance at her house, setting up the “We’re friends! How could you kiss my ex-boyfriend?” conversation later in the show. Predictable as the tides.

-Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Naomi meets a tough bad boy in detention and, surprise, surprise, he speaks Spanish (don’t all bad boys?). But so does Naomi, with a native tongue whiter than Wonder Bread. Caliente! We’re sure their love will burn hot and fast, like West Side Story but without the bitchin’ song and dance numbers.

-Silver (Jessica Stroup) gets her wisdom teeth out and all she wants to do is talk and sing. “I’m just so happy right now,” she says. Bitch, shut up! Anyone who’s had their wisdom teeth out knows it’s excruciating and you’re so doped up all you do is moan in pain, sleep and drool.

-Best line of the season: Nina (some random chick): “I hate thongs. They make me feel like I have someone’s thumb stuck in my ass.” Naomi: “You’d certainly know what that feels like, wouldn’t ya, Nina?” Bravo, CW. Bravo.

-Naomi is heartbroken to see Ethan and Annie dancing but, just like magic, her Spanish speaking detention buddy appears behind her at the Homecoming Dance Juicy Juice bar to groove her pain away. Kismet. They start to dance and, well, since he’s Latin, he’s got the mooooves. He needs them since he’s shorter than her. Is this a sad attempt at adding some diversity to the show? Now there’s two black kids, an Indian kid and some Latin flava?

-Naomi, making Cruella DeVille eyes and sneering through clenched teeth: “Annie, can we talk?” just as drug-addled Adrianna stumbles into the dance, fresh from her rehab jail break. Who is she? Wentworth Miller?

-The Indian kid made a triumphant return and proclaimed his love for Adrianna saying, “We were in the seventh grade and you got that sitcom and it was like you didn’t even know me anymore but I never forgot you. I never forgot who you used to be.” Dontcha hate it when your crush books a sitcom and totally forgets the good times you shared by the tether ball court?

-Mr. Matthews (Ryan “Leggo my” Eggold) walking in on undercover narc Kimberly (Jessica Lucas) in the middle of a drug buy (his command of “Let’s go” is yessir-sexy), forcing her to reveal her narc status: “For god sake, I’m a cop you dumbass.” Within minutes they’re making out by the football field after Mr. Matthews asks, “How old are you anyway?” “I’m 25, why?” Smooch! It’s soooo Never Been Kissed…only nowhere near as good. Now that he knows she’s legal, they can feel free to live their love out loud.

That’s an hour of our lives we’ll never get back. We’re going to rewatch Gossip Girl to cleanse our palate (ps: How about Nate and newly bad ass Jenny hooking up??? Holla! That is so hot!).