The Golden Globes: Our Take

The Golden Globes have long been our favorite of the award shows, mainly because there’s liquor readily available on all the tables so everyone gets trashed and the likelihood of something inappropriate happening gets exponentially higher as the night goes on and the alcohol consumption goes up.

As usual, last night was a mix of highlights (go, Slumdog!) and lowlights (seriously, why is Renee Zellweger still famous?) and here they are...

Jennifer Lopez taking the stage and being blatantly ignored by the audience, who were more interested in what was being served and who they were sitting next to. Trying to get people to quiet down and pay attention, she yelped, “Mama’s talkin’, Mama’s talkin.’” Right, and no one’s listening. Take a page from Snagglepuss and exit, stage left even. 

Kate Winslet wins the first award of the night as Best Supporting Actress in The Reader, pops open her purse to fish out her acceptance speech, and reveals two folded pieces of paper, one for each nomination. Little did she know, they’d both come in handy.

Rumor Willis is introduced as Miss Golden Globe, a duty she’d been waiting to fulfill since last year.  Much to our shock and awe, she actually looks gorgeous. We didn’t think she had it in her. But, then again, she had a year to get ready. 

Sting, who announces the winner of Best Original Song (Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler", natch) apparently just crawled out of jungle after six months in the wild and decided he wouldn’t look at a mirror on his way to the Globes. Even Colin Farrell, patron saint of all greasy men, mouthed “Wow” and looked shocked as Sting took the stage in full mountain man magnificence. All our tantric fantasies wither and die on the spot.

Laura Dern wins for her role in Recount but the real winner is her husband, mega hottie Ben Harper, who bestows an adoring kiss on her and looks on the verge of tears as he applauds her victory. That love, devotion and pride for his wife, not to mention that way he sucked on her face as she won, is one of the sweetest moments of the night. 

Eva Mendes makes her entrance to inexplicable salsa music and the camera cuts to a shot of Selma Hayek, perhaps filling the Latin quota for the night. We wait for her to bust out a Taco Bell burrito or be escorted off stage by Juan Valdez and his donkey.

Hayden Panettiere presents an award with Zac Efron and, when we finally come down from our bout of pre-teen-screams for Zac-y Pooh, we realize Hayden is starting to look like a mini Pamela Anderson. Very baby porn star.

Leonardo DiCaprio has to play air traffic controller and point Anna Paquin to the stage when she wins for True Blood. “I would have grabbed that finger and stuck it in my mouth,” our friend Ana announces. We agree whole heartedly. And then we would’ve let him touch our golden globes.

Ricky Gervais congratulates Kate Winslet on her earlier win saying, “Winslet, I told you, do a Holocaust movie, the awards come.”

Sally Hawkins, a relative unknown to most Americans, wins Best Actress in a Comedy for Happy-Go-Lucky and debuts the body of a severe anorexic before giving a long, breathless acceptance speech that had us on the white knuckle express waiting. We were terrified she’d pass out at any moment for a combination of adrenaline and lack of nourishment.

Demi Moore gives the world a peek into her mothering skills by saying how proud she is of her daughter Rumer before chiding, “Don't hunch, shoulders back.”

Heath Ledger wins Best Supporting Actor for his role in The Dark Knight. The film’s director, Christopher Nolan, takes the stage on his behalf while the audience gives Heath a standing ovation and they play a short clip of his work from the film. It was the one moment they showed anyone who passed away this year since there was no “In Memoriam” montage, our least favorite part of any award show. Was it because they ran out of time? How dare they not give Paul Newman a shout out?

Laura Linney takes the stage to accept her Globe for John Adams looking sexy, age appropriate and poised while the camera pans Rita Wilson revealing she looks like she’s an over-the-hill showgirl in an off-the-Strip production of Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Paul Giamatti has to shout his name to Terrance Howard as he announces Paul’s Best Actor in a Miniseries nomination for John Adams, an award he wins. Oh, Terrance. Less time thinking about how fabulous you think you are, more time pretending you’re a real person, ‘kay?

Colin Farrell has the sniffles and quickly announces, “I still have a cold. It’s not the other thing it used to be.”

Tracy Morgan takes Tina Fey’s place at the podium to accept 30 Rock’s award for Best Comedy Series and announces he and Fey had a deal: if Obama won, he’d be the show’s new frontman. “I’m the new face of post-racial America. Take that, Cate Blanchett,” Morgan says before giving a speech that included shout outs to people like “the craft service lady… and Jeff Zucker, my boy.” Seriously, Tracy, it’s not like you just won a radio contest.  Get it together, buddy.

Tina Fey picks up another Globe as Best Actress is a Comedy Series and, thankfully, accepts on her own behalf with one of the best speeches of the night. “I love the Hollywood Foreign Press,” she said, “as a kid I had all the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures.”  She said she recognized what an amazing year she’d been having but, “If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet. You can find a lot of people who don’t like you.” She then listed several screen names of her online critics and told them each to “suck it.” That’s our girl!

Kate Winslet is awarded Best Actress for Revolutionary Road, MAJORLY upsetting Anne Hathaway who’s been running away with all the critics’ choice awards. Onstage, hyperventilating, crying and repeating, “Thank you so much,” to no one in particular, she told herself over and over to “gather” and by the time she was together enough to give a speech, the control room was flashing the Wrap Up sign. “You have no idea how much I’m not wrapping up,” she laughed before delivering a speech so heartfelt, genuine and emotional, it had us in tears. We’ve got a new bet in our Oscar pool and it’s Winslet for the win.

Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Drama and we do a happy dance, a Bollywood happy dance, that the best film actually won Best Film!