Dancing with the Stars Elimination Night: Week One

DWTS Elimination Night always sucks. ABC makes us suffer through sixty minutes to reach the 10 seconds when they announce who’s cut. Making last night even suckier: one of the first safe couples. 

Seriously, America? Seriously?

You saved Kim and her Norman Schwarzkopf of an ass? What were you thinking? Now we have to suffer through another week of her phony humility and moronic blathering. Thanks.

We were so disgruntled after the revolting turn of events we almost forgot that our new boy toy crush, Jesse McCartney, was set to take the stage to perform his hit “Leavin." The only thing hotter than Jesse was, apparently, the pro dancer whose sweaty back and pits started soaking through his blue dress shirt moments into their performance.

Question: why was the Jonas Brothers' performance shot though a camera lens smeared with Vaseline? We thought they only did that for old actresses trying to camouflage wrinkles. Are the Jo-Bros aging prematurely?  While we’ll never share the tween-mania for the Jo-Bros, we get it. Every generation needs a group like Brunette Hanson. The Monkees, Menudo, the original Hanson. This decade it’s Nick, Joe, and Kevin. But we can’t hate on Joe’s soft shoe with Derek Hough and Mark Ballas, it was adorable.

So who was the second couple to get the boot? The bottom two stars were Toni Braxton and Alec Mazo and Ted McGinley and Inna Brayer (the Brooklyn Queen). In the end, Ted and Inna were eliminated, an exit we’re very sad to see come so soon. We’re gonna have to Netflix old episodes of Hope and Faith and Married...With Children to get our fix from now on.

Until next week.