Dancing with the Stars Recap: Day 2

The first safe couple cpening the show are Lance and Lacey performing a quick step. Once again, it’s obvious this is the couple everyone else needs to be gunning for. The joy on both of their faces when they’re dancing is utterly winning. We love Lance, we want to be his friend, eat Ben & Jerry's together, and play truth or dare. Even if the judges are extra harsh are on them (seriously, Len, chill out), we still think these two are going far.

The second safe couple is Misty and Maksim. Hmmm, seems all of our early predictions for the front runners are coming true. Even if Misty looked like Toucan Sam gone Showgirls, their mambo still has a certain sumthin’ sumthin’…but is Misty leading? She’s so burly and in control, it seems like the “girl” role is hard for her.

We could barely watch Cheryl and Maurice’s mambo mainly because we were so distracted by Big Ol’ Cherly’s fringed gold dress that kept looking like it was being blurred by censors. What happened to her? Has someone been eating their feelings? Despite Burly Burke, we loved Maurice getting down with his bad self and busting out the first Worm of the season.

Of course Brooke, the hottie with the body, and Derek are safe. America wouldn’t let a taut tummy like hers go that fast. Their quick step is dynamic, energetic, and very well executed. In fact, it's the best dance of the night. She might just be the new Stacy Kiebler. If Lance crushed his dance last night, tonight it’s all Brooke. This girl’s a ringer and the judges are in loooove.

Cloris and Corky escape the chopping block which means the ABC censors have to keep a finger close to the Bleep Button, and we got more crazy old lady antics. Cloris’ Carmen Miranda inspired mambo is filled with tata shaking and booty smaking, but the best part of her performance is watching her mouth dance. Cloris is NUTS! Poor Corky looks like a man on the edge. Everytime Cloris goes off into left field, it drives him a little closer to the breaking point.

After it's announced that Toni and Alec are safe, of course, once again, it becomes all about Toni's heart condition. We’re not making light of her suffering, we just wish she’d take a page from Cloris’ book and let people know this is hard for her, but still handle it with panache and grace, not whining and vote grubbing. Their quick step is good enough to get them votes anyway; she doesn’t need the sympathy angle. If the 82-year-old can hang, so can you, Toni.

Warren Sapp continues to tackle the competition like a QB left hanging in the pocket, and his quickstep with Kym is pure enjoyable entertainment. He may be big, but you can see Warren is tough like a cream puff, and his ear-to-ear grin throughout the dance is priceless. Who isn’t pulling for this guy? He’s proof you can be big and still float like a cloud.

While Ted McGinley may be a sitcom killer, he’s still in the running for a glittering disco ball. His mambo with Inna is a little stiff, but Ted’s got this teeny-tiny glimmer of The Clooney in him. He’s Daddy hot with debonair flair and we like it. He just needs to let his inner jiggle loose.

Cody and Julianne are the next safe couple which means Cody gets at least one more week of delightful friction. Yay him. When confronted with the quick step, Cody steps up and delivers. He may be battling boners in rehearsal, but he’s fantastic on the show.

Despite her sprained ankle, Karina and Rocco make it to the next show just in time for Rocco to serve up the stiffest white boy mambo we’ve ever seen. This is the kind of dancing that gives Caucasian men a bad name. Oh God! The only excuse for moves like these is a long night of too much tequila.

Susan may be the queen of daytime, but the dance floor is proving almost as frustrating as her countless losses at the Emmys.  She and Tony live to prove their mettle with a quickstep as airy as meringue. It might not be as quick as, say, Cody’s, but the elegance Lucci brings to her performance is mesmorizing, erasing the memory of last night’s crash-and-burn cha cha cha. She’s back in it to win it, people, and we know this lady is a fighter.

After eleven couples, Kim Kardashian and the obvious choice to hit the bricks, Jeffrey Ross, are left in the bottom two. While we’re thrilled America heeded our plea to send Kim, the skank du jour, packing as quickly as possible, we fear Ross is simply too painfully bad to edge her out.

Of course, sadly, Jeffrey and Edyta are sent home (poor Edyta) but, with any luck, by tomorrow night, Kim will be axed. Timber!!! Don’t let the door hit you in that massive ass on your way out.

When she and Mark tackle the mambo, just like Paris Hilton said, it’s like watching two pigs wrestle under a mountain of orange crinolines. Her problem (one of many) is that she acts like she’s too cool for school, throwing off her moves half-heartedly while Mark is writhing, grinding, and jiving her into oblivion. The whole dance turns into an homage to her massive, grotesque ass with Mark doing all the work, and Kim just standing there, lazily, occasionally bouncing her badonkadonk. VOTE HER OFF!!!!

In the end, Brooke Burke is at the top of the leader board with 26 and Cloris Leachman clinging to the bottom with 16.

Until tomorrow.