Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week Five

Lance and Lacey started the show and Lance revealed that when ‘N SYNC first signed with a record label, they didn’t want him in the group because his dancing skills were so bad compared to the other guys. Their West Coast Swing was the first time we could see why. There was no swing to be found, it looked more like a dude at a bar after one too many but not quite enough to make it good. Lance even slipped during the routine, recovering nicely but eating it none the less. The judges and audience were in stunned, stupefied silence. Everyone felt that Lacey (the current West Coast Swing champion) was hogging the spotlight and needed more of a showcase. They receive 21 points but we were not impressed.

Toni and Alec are also saddled with the West Coast Swing and even when Alec whirls Toni’s lifeless body around you can practically see them counting the steps, “1 and 2 and 3 and…” Boooring. The judges are less than complimentary. Carrie Ann comforts Toni by saying she’s sure her breakthrough “is coming.” That means it isn’t here yet. With 22 points, it’s a decent showing but nothing to write home about.

Kicking off the Hustle are Susan and Tony. Lucci discovered she has two fractured bones in her foot this week (making her one of five stars injured during the show so far) which, perhaps, will earn them sympathy votes but if the audience really wanted to give her sympathy, they’d vote her off the show. She’s awful. Her shimmying has as much jiggle and sass as a nun. Len says Tony is treating her like a giant doll and Carrie Ann says it’s like she’s dancing in a glass box with very thin walls. They need to let it rip. We’re shocked when the judges give them a 22. Way too generous.

Warren and Kym’s Hustle, on the other hand, is so fun, we felt like we’d just snorted something at Studio 54. Tony Manero and Don Cornelius would have been extremely proud! The audience goes nuts and so do the judges. With two 8’s and a nine, Kym and Warren take the lead with 25 points.

The first couple to dance Salsa is Cloris and Corky who narrowly escaped elimination last week. Watching Corky dry hump 82-year-old Leachman is almost as disconcerting as watching her try to do turns. The truth is, Corky could be dancing with a blow up doll and it would be almost an identical routine. Bruno says, “One thing’s for sure, the old girl can still turn a trick…It looked like you had a pitcher of margaritas,” while Len says, “You were hotter than a chili pepper.”  Are Len and Cloris doing the horizontal mambo? Grrrowl. With a score of 21, they tie Lance and Lacey at the bottom.

Their Salsa competition is Maurice and Cheryl who had a total meltdown in rehearsals. Maurice handles the pressure beautifully while Cheryl is a snarky little bitch. Excuse us…snarky BIG bitch. It seems fights in rehearsals lead to great performances. It works for Brooke and Derek two weeks ago during their Waltz and Maurice and Cheryl’s Salsa is muy caliente! It’s so good, Carrie Ann comes out from behind the judges table to give Maurice a massive hug before the rest of the judges gush over how great the routine was. Three nines land them a score of 27, their personal best score and the high water mark thus far in the night.

Brooke and Derek are up next performing the Jitterbug. Every week we look forward to their performances more and more (and that’s not just because we’re totally crunching on D-Rock) and, once again, they rock it! Happy Days are totally here again! Bruno says, “That was so vigorous, so upbeat, an unbelievably stylish rendition of American Graffiti. Glorious!” Carrie Ann says, “Can I nitpick?” “Of course,” Brooke and Derek say. “I can’t,” Carrie Ann says, “Perfect! Amazing!” With two tens (Carrie Ann and Bruno) and one nine (Len), their score of 29 is a season high.

That leaves just Cody and Julianne to perform their Jitterbug in the towering shadow of Brooke and Derek’s near perfect performance. Their dance is solid, energetic, quite respectable. “That was the perfect dance for you,” Carrie Ann says. “I think you’re giving someone else a run for their money.” “It was fun, it was entertaining, it had energy, I liked it very much,” Len says. Carrie Ann hits them with a 10 (a total shock for Julianne who shrieks) and two nines, they land a 28, putting them in second place.

At the end of the night, Lance and Lacey and Cloris and Corky are at the bottom of the judge’s score board, Brooke and Derek (no shock) are at the top with Cody and Julianne nipping at their heels.

Until tomorrow when we’ll have your elimination recap.