Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week Seven

Warren and Kym started the night with a Fox Trot. Once one of the fiercest competitors on the show, we feel like Warren is slipping. The fire is gone, the charisma is engrained but the pop and the fizz have gone flat. Len, back in his judge’s chair, was quick to do just that, judge. “Kym always puts a little spin on it that I like…but it wasn’t your best dance. It was a little bit of a disappointment.” Bruno praised their opening but said they quickly “went into a recession. You were flatfooted. You have to go back to the ease of competition you had. You seemed to go backward a little.” (We concur.) Carrie Ann said, “You were not performing the usual Warren Sapp and it showed. You didn’t wow us. You didn’t make it fun like you usually do.”  With sevens across the board, a score of 21 is obviously a little disappointing though not undeserved. Warren blames his shoes, we blame the total lack of spark.

Next we gird ourselves for Susan and Tony’s Paso Doble. She’s still stiff as cement, but this week, that works to her advantage…somewhat. She can’t escape looking like a taser victim just returning to consciousness but it’s better than her usual robotic, stilted, jerky moves. Bruno is en fuego, yelling, “You came alive! Well done.” Carrie Ann makes her scream affirmations at the camera, Tony Robbins-style. “Stand up here and say to that camera ‘I am doing good!’ Because you are.” She’s also good enough, smart enough and, goshdarn it, people like her. Len believes “that was up there with your best dances. I thought you did a great job.” Three eights land them an overly generous score of 24.

Maurice and Cheryl take the floor for a Cha Cha Cha with Maurice dealing with a wounded leg. Maurice is sweet, diligent and wonderful. We wish he wasn’t partnered with Cheryl so we could cheer for them more exuberantly. Their dance starts out well but slowly devolves and, we have to say it, we spend most of the time staring at Cheryl’s stomach violently jiggling in her peek-a-boo costume. How have the producers not sat her down for a “Lose weight or you’ll be fired” conversation yet? Cheryl dances so hard she loses an earring but we’re not feeling it tonight. Carrie Ann said, “It’s nice to see you bring you’re A Game.” Len thought “it was dazzling and it was your best dance so far.” “Happy days are here again for Maurice,” said Bruno. With a nine from Len and two eights, they earn a score of 25. Really?

With Julianne out of the competition while she recovers from having her appendix removed, Cody is paired with Edyta for a Viennese Waltz. While Julianne gets Cody all riled, Edyta manages to calm him down for a smooth, romantic, lyrical dance that we didn’t know he was capable of. “I thought, as a couple, you looked very comfortable together. But I didn’t think you looked very comfortable doing the Viennese Waltz,” says Len. Bruno agrees saying, “It was like watching a fledgling bird spread its wings but not be able to take off.” Carrie Ann is their saving grace: “I thought it was great and I think Julianne would be proud.” Their 22 draws boos from the audience and we joined in from our couch.

A Rumba sparks a massive lovers’ quarrel between Lance and Lacey but their barefoot performance, which is sort of modern dance meets ballroom with a little capoeira thrown in, is one of the most dramatic, theatrical dances of the season and it brings their cheering section which includes Kathy Griffin and the chick who played Topanga on Boy Meets World, to their feet (which are still in shoes). “Barefoot in the Park has never been more romantic or seductive,” exclaims Bruno, “inspired and refreshing. Wonderful!” Carrie Ann applauds their “great risk with a great pay off. Loved it!” But Len is the ultimate nay-sayer: “I didn’t get it. It didn’t enhance the performance.” Len throws out a crotchety 7 but Bruno and Carrie Ann laud them with nines for a score of 25, tying them for first with Maurice and Cheryl.

The final couple to dance is Brooke and Derek whose Fox Trot is 100% pure Fred and Ginger. It’s dazzling, mesmerizing, smooth-like-buttah. How can these two NOT win the whole enchilada? Carrie Ann can only exclaim, “WOW! WOW! WOW!” Len is practically peeing he’s so excited. “It had so many great elements, it became more than the sum of its parts. It was truly fantastic.” Bruno is so enamored with their performance, he can’t even come up with a totally bizarre metaphor to describe it. “Beautiful! Brilliant performance from start to finish,” he says, smacking the table for emphasis. It’s almost a foregone conclusion but each judge hoists a “10,” giving them the first perfect score of the competition, 30. And totally deserved. Brooke and Derek are back on top of the leader board!

For the first time this season, it’s time for team dances, Team Cha Cha (Susan and Tony, Lance and Lacey, Cody and Edyta) vs. Team Paso Doble (Warren and Kym, Brooke and Derek and Maurice and Cheryl).  The judges will give one score per team and that score will be added to the individual scores.

Team Cha Cha takes the floor first and, of course, Susan is total dead weight like she was in the hip hop dance but, mercifully, that wasn’t judged. She brings her team down like the Titanic. Watching her is physically painful, while watching the rest of the team is actually entertaining. The judges all agree, as Bruno says, “This was a cha cha on the brink of disaster saved by Lance and Lacey.” Carrie Ann says what needs to be admitted, “The unison was terrible!” (Susan’s fault) “That was brutal to watch.” Their group receives a dismal 20 which will be added to their individual scores. Team Cha Cha should lynch Susan after the show.

Team Paso Doble is next and show them how it’s meant to be done. There are no moments that leave room for nail biting or watching between your fingers like with Team Cha Cha. There is simply no comparison as the audience leaps to their feet, Tom Bergeron gushes and the judges lavish them with praise. Bruno can’t be contained, “I loved it! You always looked like a team. Fantastic.” Carrie Ann, as giddy as a school girl practically squeals, “You all looked flawless on your solos and then it all came back together. Loved it!” Len is less effusive but he still admits, “it was stronger and better than the team cha cha.”Carrie Ann gives them a 10, Len a 9 and Bruno a 10. With 29, they DEMOLISH Team Cha Cha.

After combining their Team and Individual scores, Brooke and Derek lead with a score of 59 out of 60 and, in the bottom, Cody and Edyta land with 42.

If Cody goes home before Susan, there is no justice in the world. Since tomorrow is Election Night, the Results Show is postponed until Wednesday.

Until then.