Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week Two

Kicking off the show were Toni Braxton and Alec Mazo. After narrowly escaping elimination last week, they busted out a paso doble that earned them a 23. Toni was elegant and regal, but the real star in this pairing is Alec, who commanded the stage.

Brooke Burke and Derek Hough were up next proving, once again, they are the show’s early front runners. They received a standing ovation for their paso doble and a score of 24 out of 30, the high water mark for the night (only one other couple would tie them, none would surpass). The drama of their routine was fabulous! We were totally having Strictly Ballroom flashbacks and loving every minute. Those karate lessons they showed Brooke taking to help her conjure the necessary passion and aggression for the dance must have paid off. High five, guys.

Next up was Rocco DiSpirito whose rumba with Karina Smirnoff was so bad, if he’d cooked and served it, we would have sent it back to the kitchen. Rocco compared his dance to cooking risotto, saying it’s a “slowly developing dish…and when it’s finished, it feels like cashmere in your mouth.” That wasn’t cashmere! That was polyester. B. A. D. There is nothing more tragic than watching a hot man dance badly. You know what they say about how men dance and how men make love. We’d kick Rocco right out of our bed and so would the judges who gave them 16 out of 30.

Lance Bass, on the other hand, knows exactly how to woo the ladies (a trick he surely picked up during his road days with *N SYNC) because he kissed a girl and he liked it! He and Lacey Schwimmer performed a paso doble to Katy Perry’s one hit wonder “I Kissed a Girl” (we’ll pay money to never have to hear that song again) and finished it up with a full frontal smooch for the judges. Get ‘er done, Lance! Loved it! But the judges gave them a stingy 20. What is with them? Lance and Lacey are killing it dance after dance, and the judges give them no love. Are they trying to make the show look like it’s not rigged since he’s such a ringer? Boo!

Speaking of Boo, Kim Kardashian was next with Mark Ballas. Kim is unbearable. When will she be voted off?!?!?!? Despite getting coached by Pussycat Dolls founder Robin Antin, Kim’s performance was just as stiff, lifeless, and lazy as last week. It’s so obvious she just doesn’t care, and Mark is killing himself trying to overcompensate for her shortcomings. All she wants to do is spend other people’s money (her dead dad’s, her mom’s, her boyfriend Reggie Bush’s), sit on her massive ass, and shop on Robertson while paps take pictures. Sadly she didn’t get the zero she deserved (how awesome would that have been?) for her rumba, she got 17.

Thankfully, Misty May-Treanor and Maksim Chmerkovskiy were up next to cleanse the palate with a paso doble that had judge Bruno Tonioli recalling Xena: Warrior Princess. Misty is awesome, but we’d really love to see Maks lead just once. Still, with 21 out of 30, it was a good showing.

Cheryl Burke and Maurice Green prepared for their rumba by going to see belly dancers perform, but Maurice seemed too enraptured by undulating belly buttons to learn anything. He was stiff and awkward while Cheryl was dancing like her life depended on it to keep them off the chopping block. All that wiggling wasn’t doing her new case of the thickness any good. Every time she dances all we can think is, “Did you eat Drew Lachey like a praying mantis when you two were done cheating on his wife?” They earned a 19.

Next up was 82-year-old Oscar and Emmy winner Cloris Leachman. Are we the only ones who feel like The Cloris Show is wearing thin? She needs to bring it down a notch. All those antics couldn’t distract the judges when she and Corky Ballas failed, again, to deliver on the dance floor with their paso doble. We know she’s old, but she’s also rhythmically challenged. Carrie Ann Inaba wouldn’t even comment on Cloris’s dancing skills, saying she wanted to "keep things positive." Yeesh. That mixed with the night’s low score, 15 out of 30, puts Cloris and Corky in the direct line of the firing squad. To be honest, we wouldn’t be sad to see her go. We live in fear during her routines that she’ll fall and break a hip.

Susan Lucci and Tony Dovolini performed a totally proficient rumba, but it lacked any fire or passion. WTF? That’s all Erica Kane is about, breaking vases and scratching shady bitch's eyes out. Susan is the queen of daytime DRAMA! So why can’t she bring it to the dance floor? They get a respectable 21, but they could’ve done better.

You know who can deliver drama, passion, and fire? Warren Sapp. His paso doble with Kym Johnson and her new boobs was the bomb! There isn’t a more entertaining star on the show. Warren is funny, sassy, stylish, and handles the moves with panache and flair. People often forget the grace football has but Sapp is just that, ease and graceful, and he's an absolute pleasure to watch. They tie Brooke and Derek for first with a score of 24.

Finishing the night was the ever excitable Cody “I’ve Got a Banana Montana for you” Linley and his long suffering partner Julianne “What’s poking my leg?” Hough. Their rumba was sweet and tame, totally acceptable for kids their age, although we hoped some of Cody’s oppressed desire would come out and he’d turn into a pillar of sexified lust. Maybe next week. They receive 21 out of 30.

It looks like Hurricane Cloris may be on her way out unless America fights hard for their favorite crazy aunt. We suspect fellow bottom dwellers are Kim (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SEND HER HOME), Maurice and Rocco.

We’ll have to wait until tonight but we’ve got our fingers and toes crossed that this was Kim’s last hurrah, but Rocco learns to shake that ass before next week.

Until tomorrow.