Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week Two

Last night’s episode of Dancing with the Stars began with a lot of questions. Who’s the French guy again? Why the hell is Lacey Schwimmer walking down the stairs by herself? And did the makeup people really need to go so crazy with Melissa’s spray tan? It’s very George Hamilton.

Holly Madison and Dmitry kicked off the show with a quick step. Holly is a better than last time but Dmitry still looks like he’s dragging her around the floor. “Your posture is a little bit lacking but good job” Len started. “You looked like you were running for a bus…you have to keep up with your partner” Bruno chided. “You let him drag you around…you were like a doll” Carrie Ann agreed. Once again they get three sixes for 18 and a total score of 36 out of 60.

David Alan Grier and Kym’s salsa was seriously impressive; we’re just not sure if it was Kym who rocked our world or if David deserves some credit for her razzle dazzle. “Work on the head, work on the foot, work on the timing” said Bruno. “You are a good dancer, David, it’s just not coming together yet” Carrie Ann continued. “It was far too much Kym, not enough of you, David. It lacked rhythm” Len explained. Two sixes and a five earn them 17 points for 36 points total.

Denise Richards and Maks’ quick step was more like the clenched step. Denise could crack walnuts in her tushy she’s so tense. Carrie Ann, of course, stroked her and said “What a great improvement.” “I thought it was a great job” said Len. “Great leg action but I think there’s a good dancer starting to come out” Bruno growled. We disagreed. Three sevens give them 21 points for 39 out of 60.

Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan’s salsa gave us major second hand embarrassment. Belinda looked like a drunk cougar stumbling around Spring Break in Cabo twenty years after graduation. Bad scene. “Work more on your hip action” Len instructed, “other than that, the performance was fine.” “It’s grrrreat to see you put your hair down and shake it all about” Bruno grunted. “No disrespect intended, I found it a little lacking in grace” Carrie Ann said, giving the first honest comment. With 18 points, they now have 35 out of 60.

Ty Murray and Chelsie tackled the quick step next. We can’t help ourselves, even when he’s stiff and out of sync, we adore Ty. But this week we didn’t have to love him in spite of himself, his quick step was quick, spry and charming! Carrie Ann gave it a “Yee-haw! It was smooth…it was beautiful! Good job!” “You were riding that quick step. You showed it a thing or two” Bruno cheered. “An absolute metamorphosis” Len applauded. Yeah! Ty’s back in the game. 20 points give them 34 out of 60. They’re building! Team Ty and Chelsie all the way!

Shawn and Mark danced salsa and for all Shawn’s protest before the dance, she danced like a pro. An embarrassed pro, but a pro none the less. Girlfriend busted out back splits, side splits, high kicks, come on. “Precise, sharp, you must be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen” Bruno leered. “Very clean and precise. Just throw caution to the wind a little bit more” Len suggested. “I thought it was fantastic” Carrie Ann agreed. 24 points earn them 47 total points.

Steve Wozniak and Karina took on the quick step. Steve is another member of the DWTS Curse Club. He was told by his doctor that he’s literally crushing his foot. We know he’s not long for the competition but Steve is the sweetest, happiest contestant we’ve ever had the pleasure of watching and he’s thrilling for that reason. His goofy, oafishness is delightful because he’s just so incredibly good natured. And we loved that his ex, Kathy Griffin, was there to cheer him on. Karina, on the other hand, looks so miserable and defeated it pisses us off. All of the judges agree, the dancing isn’t up to par but they all love watching him perform. 17 points added to their 13 gives them 30 of 60.

Chuck Wicks and Julianne’s salsa was so steamy, as points, we felt a little dirty…in a good way. But it was all Julianne whirling and twirling while Chuck just fondled her. “She did all the work” Bruno chided. “We want more! More dancing. Do more.” “It was all Julianne, we want more of you” Len agreed. “I agree. It felt like a mish-mash of a bunch of Latin dances” Carrie Ann continued. 20 points give them 40 out of 60.
Lawrence Taylor and Edyta had to dance the quick step and Lawrence took on the challenge with fierce, almost scary determination. “That was smooth and powerful, all at once” Carrie Ann giggled. “Now THAT’S a competitor” Bruno cheered. “Well done, much improved” Len agreed. Two sevens and a six earn them 20 points for a total of 36 out of 60.

Next up would have been Steve-O and Lacey dancing salsa but Steve-O, who is already dealing with pinched nerves in his back, landed on his mic pack during the dress rehearsal, sending himself to the hospital. Since he couldn’t be there for the show, the judges and audience got to watch the tape of their dress rehearsal and judge them on that performance. Maybe it’s his back but the dance was awful and totally lacking any Latin flavor. Lacey, looking utterly defeated, took the judges’ criticism alone. “I didn’t get it at all” Len began. “There was no salsa in the dance for me.” “This was like a series of unfortunate events and none of it made sense. Where is the salsa?” asked Bruno. “I don’t think it was in the right vein” Carrie Ann agreed. 14 points give them 31 total points.

Li’l Kim (whose face is getting scarier and scarier each week) and Derek were up next to dance the quick step. Between our obsession with Derek’s hotness and Kim beginning to look like Michael Jackson we were almost too distracted to notice that they’re quite good together. “What a vivacious, uplifting performance” Bruno began. “You are some performer. You guys are fantastic together” Carrie Ann continued. “There’s no refinement. There’s a lot of quantity but not a lot of quality” Len countered. 23 points give them 44 out of 60.

Melissa Rycroft and Tony brought all kinds of flavor to the salsa next. Melissa  is such a total ringer. “Finally, a real salsa!” Carrie Ann screamed. “That was slamming!!!” “I was gyrating on the seat” Len cheered. “It was the salsa of the night!” “Now, we are cooking” Bruno yelled. “I want MORE! Thank you.” With the first nines of the season (from Carrie Ann and Bruno), they earn 26 points and 49 out of 60.

Last up, Gilles Marini and Cheryl dancing the quick step. Gilles blows our mind every time. We continually forget who the hell he is and then he starts dancing and we’re enraptured. His cockiness at the end of the dance did not win points with us but the judges were thrilled. “You are quickly becoming a fan favorite” Carrie Ann said. “This was great” Len smiled. “There were sparks out there” Bruno purred. Three nines give them 27, the high score of the season so far and a 51 overall.

Until tomorrow when the bottom two couples will dance for their survival.

—Sasha Perl-Raver