Dancing with the Stars Season Eight Premiere Recap

Last night, Dancing with the Stars returned with new pros, including Chelsie Hightower, who we loved on So You Think You Can Dance, new stars and a whirlwind of excitement surrounding the new season…that is, unless you were Karina, who looked miserable and defeated from the moment the show started. We don’t need to see Steve Wozniak dance to know they're destined for the bottom two. He’s a big old white dude. They always land in the bottom two. 

Li’l Kim and our boyfriend Derek Hough kicked off the show with a dance Kim dedicated “to all my girls in the federal detention center.” Ghetto FABULOUS! Dancing the Cha cha cha, Kim’s a little stiff but she’s got a running start getting into the competition: her innate rhythm and Derek as a partner. Len said, “overall, I thought it was first class.” Bruno, whose dirty little euphemisms and metaphors we’ve missed terribly growled, “nasty but tasty! You can work wonders with that tushy.” “I agree…I think there’s more to you then we saw,” Carrie Ann offered, lukewarmly. Three sevens earn them 21 points to start the show.

Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan Roberts, a new pro, tackled the waltz but their bigger issue was Belinda’s inability to spin without having “a bucket nearby.” What Belinda should’ve been worried about was how clunky and flat-footed her dancing is. Bruno called her “Julie Andrews…who turned into Cloris Leachman. Heavy, heavy, heavy.” “It wasn’t great but it wasn’t Cloris,” Carrie Ann rebutted. Len, suddenly the pussycat of the night, coddled them by saying, “It was good for the first dance.” Two sixes and a five (from Bruno), give them a total of 17.

NFL hall of famer Lawrence Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska were up next tackling the Cha cha cha. Giving the success NFL players have had in the past, Lawrence has a lot to live up to. Would he be the first football star to crash and burn on the dance floor? Nope, but he didn’t soar like an eagle either. “You gotta get down and you gotta get dirty,” Carrie Ann cheered. “You’ve got a naturalness about you…I enjoyed watching it,” Len said before Bruno, the Simon Cowell off the night, spat, “that was thrown away, I couldn’t even find it. You’ve got to ATTACK it!” The judges give them two fives and a six for a total of 16.

Johnny Knoxville and Wee Man in the ballroom of Dancing with the Stars? Which of these things is not like the other? But that means here comes Steve-O and Lacey Schwimmer. Steve-O said DWTS was his way of proving that after going to rehab he “hasn’t lost his mojo.” Hoping to prove “this Jackass can be a gentleman,” they took the floor for a waltz. A shockingly enjoyable waltz! Steve-O was, dare we say it, dashing? And funny! And charming. We give that a high five. Why did Steve-O just become our new favorite? Len praised him for “coming out an trying your utmost…I expected much much worse.” “This was a big pile of slapstick but it did make me laugh and it was entertaining,” Bruno half-complimented. “I was oddly mesmerized by the beauty but the weirdness but the awkward but WOW,” Carrie Ann gushed. “I just wanted to put my foot in the waltz’s butt!” Steve-O said as soon as he got backstage. Did that earn him points? The judges gave them a 17, two sixes and a five, tying him with Belinda.

Gilles Marini (who?) and Cheryl Burke took on the Cha cha cha next. As soon as they start to dance we had what Oprah likes to call an "Ah-Hah Moment.” Why did this total nobody get cast on Dancing with the Stars? Because he can actually dance. He gets the first standing O of the season. Of course he does, he’s a ringer. Carrie Ann is so giddy her critique comes down to, “Woo Hoo!!! Fantastic!” Bruno drools to Cheryl, “You’ve got something to play with this time, honey!” “It was absolutely fabulous,” Len said. Three eights give them the high score thus far of the night, a 24.

Chuck Wicks and his real life girlfriend/partner Julianne Hough danced the waltz next. Being a real couple helps their chemistry greatly on stage and their waltz is tender, in sync and graceful. They must have great sex. We said it! “You have to calm down a little bit,” Bruno chided. “It’s a waltz, easy, man, easy!” “You’ve got to work on refining your dancing,” Len added. “I think you might be one of the most graceful men we’ve had on the show in a long time,” Carrie Ann offered. “But the chemistry is great.” Two sevens and a six earn them a score of 20.

The first last-minute replacement is finally announced and it’s former Playmate Holly Madison dancing the Cha cha cha with a new pro, Dmitry Chaplain. Having four days to prepare instead of four weeks is painfully evident. Steve Wozniak may have just been saved. Holly has the Kim Kardashian syndrome: pretty girl with no idea how to move. Len, again playing nicey-nice, offered, “I didn’t think it was bad.” Carrie Ann also stayed in the polite zone. “You’re kind of like a newborn deer right now with wobbly legs.” “You really are easy on the eyes and there’s plenty to look at,” Bruno said lecherously. “There is hope!” Three very generous sixes earn them an 18.

Ty Murray and So You Think You Can Dance’s Chelsie Hightower were up next. We love Ty’s simple, cowboy nature. Jewel is a lucky woman. We want to drink a beer on the back of a tailgate with Ty. “I’m approaching the cha cha just like bull riding; you’re never completely ready, it just becomes your turn.” Ty is very stiff but we can’t fight a massive grin watching him. He reminds us of Chris Penn at the prom in Footloose after he mastered one dance. And it’s adorable! “There is always next week,” Bruno offered. “Part of the charm of this show is watching people far beyond their comfort level come out and try,” says Len, “and you did come out and try.” Carrie Ann, seeming to read our thoughts giggled, “I think you’re one cute cowboy. And I love the way you attack that. You let go and you had a great time.” OMG, we loooove Ty! Especially when he adorably admits, “I got real nervous out there.” With two fives and a four, their 14 is the lowest score so far. NO! Vote for Ty!!!

Shawn Johnson, the youngest ever competitor on DWTS at 17, and Mark Ballas had to dance the waltz, a really mature, romantic dance. The care Mark takes with Shawn had us audibly awwww-ing and Shawn, with all her gymnastics training, is unsurprisingly graceful, deft and capable on the dance floor. Duh. Of course she is. She’s spent her entire life training her body, of course she’s an amazing dancer. “I was truly moved,” Carrie Ann stroked. “Surprisingly refined for somebody so young. Really, really good,” Bruno agreed. “I found the whole thing very appealing. Overall, it was fantastic,” Len concurred. Two eights and a seven give them 23 out of 30.

Steve Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff, in the most insanely risqué costume we’ve ever seen on DWTS (excuse us, is that bedazzled butt crack?) take on the Cha cha cha and Steve, a definite underdog, is so lovable, we just pray he can pull it off. Ohhh, and he almost does. “The good news: it held my attention throughout. I was fascinated!” Len says. “It was like watching a Tella Tubby go mad,” Bruno yelled. “That was the point,” Steve grinned, engraining himself even deeper into our hearts. “I think you’re what this competition is all about,” Carrie Anne counters. “I found it so heart-warming. You make us want to cheer for us.” “I had so much fun they’re testing me for drugs tomorrow. Just a joke!” Steve laughed. The judges give them two fours and a five for 13, one point below Ty Murray. We knew Wozniak was the longshot but we love pulling for the underdog.

David Alan Grier and Kym Johnson’s waltz isn’t nearly as funny as we expected it to be. David has an unanticipated grace and command that might not take him to the top of the pack but will definitely take him pretty far. “I was seeing about four or five characters when you were dancing…one character will suffice,” Bruno said. “You have to be careful with the face,” Carrie Ann agrees. “There was far more good in there than bad. I thought it was commendable,” Len adds. Two sixes and a seven earn them 19 points.

Denise Richards, who’s in tears within seconds of their first rehearsal, and Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s Cha cha cha is painful to watch. Maks is working so hard and Denise is just awful. She and Holly Madison, both pretty girls who’ve made a career off of how the look, who are equally incapable of making their legendary bodies interesting. “You look terrified out there,” Carrie Ann delicately began. “You looked like Maks was pulling you around,” Len seconded. Finally, Bruno agreed, “You’ve got it all but you don’t know what to do with it.” Three sixes land them 18 out of 30.

Tony Dovolani and the second last-minute replacement, dumped bachelorette Melissa Rycroft, who only had 48 hours to prepare, are the final couple on the dance floor performing the waltz. All we can say is Wow. Melissa has obviously danced before (don’t forget she was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader) and her turn with Tony is beautiful. We have another ringer on our hands! “It’s obvious you’ve danced before and it was ballet,” Len began. “You are a revelation,” Bruno gushed. “It was like watching a beautiful bird about to take flight. You’re off!” “I thought you did a wonderful job. You’re just a beautiful dancer,” Carrie Ann agreed. Two eights and a seven earn then 23 points.

At the end of the night, the dancers we remember are Steve-O, Gilles, Ty, Melissa and Shawn Johnson.

Our guess is Steve Wozniak and Karina (who looked defeated and angry the entire night) will be the first couple to be sent home, followed closely by Denise, Belinda, Holly and, sadly, Ty.

As far the final three, based on tonight’s show, we’d put money on Shawn, Gilles and Melissa.

Stay tuned for more Dancing with the Stars coverage all season long!

–Sasha Perl-Raver