The Curtain Rises on Dancing with the Stars

Last night, Dancing with the Stars returned with a two hour spectacular and within the show’s first minute we already have a problem. Can anyone tell Cody Linley apart from Derek Hough? Those boys were separated at birth by an eyebrow. And really, Lance Bass couldn’t dress for the occasion? Every other guy is decked out, Mr. *N SNYC is in a t-shirt and vest. Boo. Misty May looks HOT and Kim Kardashian looks like the whore she is. Let's take this party to the dance floor.

Cody Linley and Julianne Hough, the youngest couple ever paired together, are up first. We’re calling it right now: these two are gonna bang before the show is over (if they haven’t already). Their cha cha cha was adequate but not spectacular although Cody does give good dancer face. It’s so much easier to be a man on this show. As our friend once told us, in ballroom dancing men are the coat-rack the women dance around. Cody is a pretty good coat-rack but we’ve seen better.

Rocco DiSprito and Karina Smirnoff are up next and they’ve already got drama; Karina sprained her ankle before the first show. Hello, sympathy votes. The fact that Rocco made Karina fresh fettuccini with black truffles and then FED IT TO HER made our head explode a little bit. We want Rocco’s fettuccini. Before they start their fox trot, they share a nervous giggle, and you can smell Rocco’s fear like garlic bread in an oven. Rocco is large and awkward so their dance had a clunkiness that doesn’t bode well for their future on the show.

Toni Braxton starts off by announcing her heart disease diagnosis immediately. Stop tugging heart strings (pun intended) for votes. When she and Alec Mazo start their cha cha cha, we couldn’t get past Toni’s “I smell pooh on my shoe” face and Alec put her to shame with a performance that was far more graceful and delicate. She’s going to go far thanks to her backstory but we were NOT impressed (even if the judges were).

Next up are Maurice Green and Cheryl Burke dancing a foxtrot. Since Maurice is an Olympian sprinter, we expected some moves from him, but he looked like Uncle Mo gettin’ down at a wedding after too many drinks. Plus, he’s saddled with Cheryl’s home-wrecking ho-bag ass which, BTW, is waaaaaay bigger than it was last season. She wasn’t foxtrotting, she was hippobumping. What’s up, Biggen’?

It’s almost unfair that they put her in front of Brooke Burke, whose body is the ill nana and the woman has birthed four children, and Derek Hough who gets cuter every season. We’re already cheering for Brooke especially after we got our first David Charvet sighting of the season. Holla! Hopefully she lasts long enough for us to enjoy a few more of them. When they start dancing, Brooke looks stiff and terrified, refusing to even bow after their number. If she mellows out and eases in, she could do very well.

Ted McGinley gets introduced as “an actor who’s appeared on over a dozen hit TV shows.” Come on, Bergeron! Tell it like it is! He’s the series killer; every show he gets cast on dies within months. He’s like TV Ebola. His partner Inna Brayer is one of the new pros and we’re already put off by her overly confident intro and proud proclamation “I’m from Brooklyn”. Uh oh, we’ve got a Brooklyn Queen on our hands. Settle down, Inna. Ted dedicates his foxtrot to the average Joes at home with a beer who wanted to watch the game, but whose wife made them watch DWTS and it’s totally winning. When they start gliding across the floor, Ted is surprisingly charming and debonair. We like!

But now it’s time for the big guns; here come Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer. Lance, of course, was a boybander where dancing is required and Lacey (who we love) competed on So You Think You Can Dance. These two have SKILLS! They’re going to the ‘ship (championship) fo’ sho. Their cha cha cha is simply rockin’. Killed it!

From the new guns, to the oldest couple in the show’s history, Cloris Leachman and Corky Ballas, father of Mark Ballas. Cloris is remarkable. We hope we have her verve when we’re 82. Their foxtrot might not have the tricks other dancers whip out but come on! She deserves another Emmy just for trying and for her insane post-dance antics. Cloris is a hot mess…but in the best way.

After Hurricane Cloris, comedian Jeffrey Ross, who suffered a scratched cornea thanks to his partner Edyta Sliwinska’s acrylic nails during a rehearsal, bravely took the stage for a cha cha cha. Edtya’s body is so retardedly stunning, we can almost ignore how badly Jeffrey dances. Poor guy, we hope he gets at least one more week just so he can spend more time pressed against Edtya’s body which, we’re sure, is the highlight of his life.

Oh god…now for the lowpoint of our week, Kim Kardashian. Hold our hair back! She is SO (w)retched. Paired with reigning champ Mark Ballas, we just pray she’s kicked off as quickly as possible. Why are they saying she’s “best known as a reality TV star”? Is that what sex tapes are? Reality TV? ‘Cause that’s the only reason she’s famous. That and her crazy big butt. Unfortunately, she’s adequate and Mark is very good. Icky, icky pooh, they may, sadly, be safe. Gag.

As we hard-swallow our dinner back down, Susan Lucci and all her glittering Erica Kane fabulousness takes the stage with Tony Dovolani for a cha cha cha. Sadly, we found ourselves cringing throughout what looked like missteps, lost rhythm and an awkward lack of musicality. We fear this diva of daytime may not last long in this world.

Thankfully Misty May Treanor and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (he’s baaaack) wash that taste right out of our mouth with a killer foxtrot. Misty is still golden from Beijing even if she’s almost more muscular than Maksim. We think her strength is dead sexy. If she gets a little more grace and elegance, she’s gonna go far.

Finally, Warren Sapp and Kym Johnson close the show with a cha cha cha that is absolutely delightful. His wonderful, enveloping personality and football history could carry him far, but so could those moves. Even if he’s so big, he looks like he could swallow Kym whole, Warren’s got skills. He could make the final two.

After all the performances, it’s plain to see, Lance Bass, if he can get the viewer votes, is going to win this show hands down, without breaking a sweat.

Stay tuned for more tomorrow when the first dancer (probably Jeffrey Ross) is eliminated.