The Stars of Dancing with the Stars - Season Seven

Dancing with the Stars Season Seven Cast List:

This morning we announced the new cast of Dancing with the Stars. According to our sources, rehearsals have already begun and, after taking season six off, Maksim Chmerkovskiy IS back!

If you don’t want season spoilers, don’t read any further.

Otherwise, read on to get acquainted with the official Dancing with the Stars stars:

Kim Kardashian: Oh lordy. The fame whore with the ass that sank the Titanic continues her run at being the next Paris Hilton; famous for nothing but constantly in your face. We’d rather be strapped to a chair and forced to watch her sex tape in a continuous loop Clockwork Orange-style than witness her butcher a paso doble. America, we beseech you, VOTE HER OFF FIRST!

Cloris Leachman: She’s won more Emmys than any other actress in history (eight) and has an astonishing body of work to her credit, but we fear the 82-year-old’s tenure on the show will be short lived. Watching her and praying that she doesn’t break a hip is going to be too exhausting for most viewers.

Lance Bass: The openly gay former ‘NSYNC star, according to our sources, was NEVER in a million years going to be partnered with another man, as has been rumored. Hello, there are plenty of homosexual men who compete with female partners. His dance and performance background make him a solid bet for the final three. Expect his former bandmate and DWTS alum Joey Fatone to be in the audience to cheer him on.

Toni Braxton: The “Unbreak My Heart” R & B singer suffers from pericarditis, an inflammation of the lining of her heart, a condition that forced her to leave her Las Vegas show four months early in April. Can you say “sympathy votes?”

Brooke Burke: A hottie with a body, who formerly modeled for Playboy, FHM, Maxim and Stuff. The costume people must be doing a cha cha for joy…along with all the teenage boys who are forced to watch the show with their parents who now get to enjoy bedazzled semi-nudity. We’re can’t wait to see her smokeshow baby daddy, Baywatch’s David Charvet, root her on. Burke is total eye candy.

Maurice Greene: Gold medal winning Olympic sprinter who announced his retirement from track and field on February 4th, 2008. He’s an elite athlete which means he understands the kind of commitment needed to be truly successful. The question is, will his personality win over viewers and translate to votes since he’s relatively unknown?

Cody Linley: Following in his Hannah Montana castmate Billy Ray Cyrus’ footsteps, Cody is the youngest competitor this season at the tender age of 18. If their parents let them use the phone, his young fans could keep him on the show quite a while. Linley needs to make a name for himself outside of Hannah Montana if he wants to have a career once Miley decides she’s over it and ready to move on.

Susan Lucci: It took her 19 nominations to win an Emmy. What will it take for her to bring home this title? Lucci’s got a rabid, devoted fan base who would hate to see her lose again and that should carry her pretty far in the competition.

Jeff Ross: This year’s throw away cast member. He’s known for being an insult comic (greaaaat) and his vulgar, off-color humor. Ooookay. We’ve got a crisp twenty that says this guy is off the show first but not before he offends someone and forces ABC to bleep him.

Warren Sapp: Jerry Rice. Emmitt Smith. Jason Taylor. All football stars. All formidable competitors; Emmitt won, Jason and Jerry both were runners-up. As a former Tampa Bay Buccaneer and Oakland Raider, Warren has a legacy to uphold. Considering he’s also an eight time Pro Bowl-er and a Super Bowl champion, Sapp knows how to win and likes it. If he has any grace, he might rough up the competition.

Misty May-Treanor: The beach volleyball champ, who just repeated her 2004 Olympic gold medal with a second win in Beijing (hearty congratulations to both her and Kerri Walsh!), hasn’t lost a single match in 108 contests. This girl has Game Face! Like Maurice Greene, she understands what’s needed to achieve impeccable performance. If she’s half as good on the dance floor as she is in the sand, she’s going far. She’s also riding the wave of American adoration after a gold medal performance. (Too bad Michael Phelps isn’t competing; he’d have the show on lock!)

Ted McGinley: Best known as Jefferson on Married…with Children, Ted still looks almost as good as he did when he was in Revenge of the Nerds 24 years ago. He’s definitely going to give middle aged ladies something to cheer for, but we wonder if he’s this year’s Steve Guttenberg; a nostalgic choice a little past his prime.

Mark McGrath: This is bass ackward. Mario Lopez was on Dancing with the Stars and ended up so popular he took McGrath’s job on Extra. Now McGrath is attempting to rekindle some glory by retracing Mario’s steps. Fingers crossed for ya, Buddy.…But if you dance to “Every Morning,” we’re gonna beat you senseless with one of the Bedazzlers they love so much at DWTS.

UPDATE: Mark McGrath dropped out for reasons as yet to be revealed and former star of the reality show The Restaurant, chef and studmuffin Rocco DiSpirito has been tapped as his replacement.