Emmy Awards: Best and Worst Dressed

Taking a cue from the stock market, last night’s Emmy Awards were in constant, violent flux. The show opened with The Almighty O, Oprah, and then plummeted into the outer rings of hell when the reality hosts took the stage armed with ... nothing. Steve Carrell and Ricky Gervais managed to jolt the show back to life but then the Desperate Housewives took the stage and used their time to prove they’re the happiest cast on TV (Dana Delany kissing Marcia Crosses forehead was Manson-style overkill). All night it was a rolling, dropping, careening free fall, but the rollercoaster wasn’t limited to uncomfortable onstage antics. Let’s jump into the vicissitudes of last night’s fashion flurry and see who worked it and who should be fired.

Worst: That Look is Even More Ghastly Than the Show’s Opening

January Jones: The Mad Men star tried channeling early-Madonna and ended up looking Like a Virgin who just gave it up on prom night and got tossed in a ditch.

Lauren Conrad: Lauren designed her own Emmy dress proving she has as much talent as she has charisma. We’ve styled towels post-shower more fabulously than this drab, unsightly mess. When is LC getting voted off the island? Burn The Hills down!

America Ferrera: Our friend Jenny saw America and gasped "Oh my God, it's a high school choir dress", a big, poufy, morbid, cupcake lookin’ choir dress. Ladies, note to self: Mid-cankle is NEVER a good length. And why is Ferrera so skinny these days? We do not approve.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: JenLoveHew likes to think of herself as a modern-day Audrey Hepburn. This look is a perfect example of why she’s deluded. From her finger-in-a-light-socket hair, to the pancake bronzer, the least of her worries should be what’s going on below the neck, but even her diamond necklace isn’t suitable, and that dress (sorry, Carolina Herrera) looks like homemade Amish chic. Did they run out of white thread and stitch that thing with Hefty bags? B-A-D.

Eva Longoria: If she’s trying to distract people from her belly, a gaudy, conspicuous, silver flapper dress is not the way to go. All those tassels and fringe aren’t going to make you look less pregnant, Eva, they just make you look ugly (not to mention the matted down hair and ghostly pale lips). The only thing promising about this Marchesa dress is the bow. Because if it’s the big ol’ present it looks like, maybe when we open it, Eva will disappear. That would be the greatest gift of all.

Elizabeth Mitchell: OMG. Elizabeth looks like a crazy person. A crazy person who ransacked a sequin factory. Is she drunk? What’s really Lost here are, apparently, her foundation garments. Mitchell needs some Spanx and a strapless bra, stat. All we can say is; they never should have let her ass off the island.

Best: So Flossy, They Can Hang with Jimmy Kimmel

Christina Applegate: After successfully battling breast cancer and having a double mastectomy earlier this year, the Samantha Who? star dazzled in a stunning Reem Acra dress that was part Grecian goddess, part screen goddess and absolute divinity.

Brooke Shields: In a glorious Badgley Mischka dress the color of bougainvillea, the 43-year-old Lipstick Jungle actress was flawless from head to toe. Talk about aging gracefully; Brooke is hotter now than back in her Blue Lagoon days. 

Emilie de Ravin: While we’re not much of a fan of Emilie’s and are still confounded by her Lost storyline (is Claire dead or not???) we are giving golf claps for her flowy, simple gown that reminds us of Van Gogh’s Starry Night.

Kyra Sedgwick: Kyra’s L’Wren Scott dress isn’t just a fabulous showcase for her insanely hot body, it’s the ultimate in decadent, yet understated glamour. Those glittering, palm-tree appliqués highlighting her boobies: Those are all real diamonds! Hello!

Felicity Huffman: With her dazzling white and silver Reem Acra split-neck column dress and sleek new bob, Felcity was the hottest thing Wisteria Lane had going. 

Mariska Hargitay: In a canary yellow, one-shoulder stunner by Carolina Herrera (how could you do JenLoveHew so wrong?), Mariska channels her legendary mommy, Jayne Mansfield, and does her proud.