Lindsay Lohan’s Emotional Vomit on Ellen

Because Ellen DeGeneres is a wonderful, caring, kind and generous woman, she invited Lindsay Lohan on her show yesterday so Lindsay could continue her “I’m So Alone” post-Sam Ronson breakup publicity tour.

First of all, Lohan is EMACIATED! Disarmingly, upsettingly, grotesquely thin. And her voice had an “I party too hard, smoke too much and love purging” graveliness.

Secondly, since when do famous people go on talk shows to blather on about their private lives?

Since all their career opportunities dried up and they desperately needed some way to become relevant again, apparently.

Lindsay told Ellen that her split with Sam “came out of nowhere” and that she “had no idea what was going on. I just hadn’t seen her in, like, a week. She, like, disappeared.”

She kept awkwardly laughing, making herself looking psychotic, not amiable. When asked about the infamous restraining order, Lindsay cackled “What am I going to do?” swinging her spindly arms around.

Ummm, we’re gonna go with lose your mind and break stuff. It’s happened before. Besides, she’s got crazy eyes.

Ellen tried to give Lindsay advice, couching it as her own experience, saying “I went away for three years and got myself in shape. What do you want to do?”

Obviously she was leading Lindsay to say, “Step away from Hollywood for a beat and get myself together.” Ellen even rhetorically asked “Do you want to go away for a little while?”

But Lindsay refused to take the bait, instead announcing she’s working on a movie in October (another direct to DVD extravaganza, we hope) and then she said “I didn’t get into this business to be a celebrity and be on the cover of tabloids.”

Really? That’s not what your co-workers and friends say.

And, if that’s true, then why did you conduct a cover story interview with Us Weekly?

Why are you on a talk show airing your dirty laundry?

The best part of the interview was when Ellen said, if Lindsay really wanted to get her life and career back on track, “Maybe don’t go to clubs.”

And Lindsay replied “Should I not go grocery shopping either?”

That depends, Linds. Do you guzzle booze and table dance at the grocery store?

Continuing her raging torrent of diarrhea of the mouth, Lindsay announced that “Natalie Portman has really been there for me.”

We’re sure Natalie loved that name drop. Lindsay needs to not drag other people into the mess that is her life.

In the end, Ellen praised Lindsay's talent, the audience offered obligatory applause, and Lindsay pretended she was going to cry.

Disingenuousness and artificiality was seeping out of Lohan’s pores like booze after a bender.

We’re done with giving her second, third, fourth and hundredth chances.

All we have to say about Lindsay Lohan is…

NEXT!

—Sasha Perl-Raver