Why Dating is Scary

Cue Psycho knife noises here.

We received an email from our good friend a little while ago and simply couldn’t NOT share it.

While we don’t usually use Gossip Sauce as a forum for this kind of stuff, considering Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and that He’s Just Not That Into You took the top spot with $27.5 million; we thought it was time for a good cautionary tale. And besides, this guy deserves to be LEGENDARY!

This is why being single, especially in LA, can be so scary. 

My friend went on an attempted set-up this weekend that failed miserably, partially because the guy was a ‘tard but also because there was another girl there that the guy, who shall be known as "Super Psycho" was more interested in. She writes a food blog, and he asked for the website address at the end of the night. Apparently, after that, he sprinted home and spent hours cyber stalking her and leaving this as an "anyonymous" comment on the site. 

The Q & A format was his own device.

We’re speechless. 

Can you say restraining order? It’s 1200 words!

This guy totally wants to boil her bunny.

Happy early Valentine’s Day. Be safe!

xoxo
The Sauce

P.S. LADIES OF THE WORLD...DO NOT DATE THIS GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!

 —Sasha Perl-Raver

“Anonymous" wrote:

Q: What had I never done before an hour ago?

A: Seriously read someone's blog.
[ timespan above was not adjusted to account for the time this took me to write ]

Q: What am I fairly certain I will do several more times in the not too distant future?

A: Read your blog.

Q: What was my first impression?

A: That you were married.

Q: What was my second impression?

A: That the two of you were boyfriend/girlfriend and in a very committed relationship.

Q: What was my third impression?

A: Painful inconclusiveness.

Q: What was my real first impression?

A: To myself: "Wow, his girlfriend is extremely attractive."

Q: What did I honestly not make any conscious effort to affect?

A: Our seating locations at the table.

Q: What was the hardest information to decipher?

A: The menu reviewing, food selection and sharing dynamics that were so plainly clear between the two of you from the outset, yet changed quite dramatically as the meal progressed.

Q: What am I talking about?

A: The fact that I found myself sitting roughly 2 clockwise hours distance from you during an unexpectedly enjoyable dinner about 5 hours ago.

Q: Why would I elect to use an overly complicated (if not plain stupid) temporally based description of where I was sitting?

A: Because temporally speaking, sometime around 4 hours ago, it seemed as though you had gravitated to being more like only 1 counterclockwise hour distance away from me.

Q: What happened next?

A: I witnessed something that only became clear to me after reading the first bit of content on this website - you truly don't like talking about yourself. Putting some of the pieces together "backwards" by way of your blog has been really intriguing and almost suspenseful. I've quite enjoyed it in fact.

Q: What else happened?

A: I emphasized it far too strongly (albeit it playfully intended) that you don't actually work. I apologize for this insinuation - I am now confident in the notion that I was significantly mistaken. I stand corrected.

Q: What continued happening?

A: I desperately was drawn to the necklace you were wearing and badly wanted to reach over and touch it to see what it was even made of. I settled for watching you run it through your fingers for a few minutes at one point of the night, secretly hoping there would be an encore before the meal ended. There wasn't.

Q: What also continued happening?

A: I took the opportunity multiple times to allow the conversation (or at least my comments) to somehow conclude with an innocent, though not to be ignored, grazing of my hand on your shoulder or arm.

Q: What elicited the most vivid (though strictly non sexual) image in my mind?

A: Me saying I loved small dogs and [Name-withheld] responding with "then you definitely need to meet Sarah's."

Q: What reaction of yours surprised me the most in real time but after reading some of your blog, checks out perfectly?

A: The slightly dramatic then suddenly silent response you offered when I mentioned that you should read about Malcolm Gladwell's airplane crash theories in Outliers.

Q: What somewhat intriguing part of our conversation am I not at all surprised by?

A: The fact that our steak restaurants discussion closed by me commenting that, "I am honestly a pretty big fan of Houston's steaks" a mere 2 hours prior to me reading your Houston's/Valentine's Day story. Furthermore, the fact that I have never been to their Santa Monica location (seemingly Mr. Awesome's favorite salad venue) and you were initially unaware the only one I've ever gone to (in Century City) even existed. Nevertheless, Valentine's Day is a contrived holiday (if one can even stomach the idea of calling it a holiday) and contrived holidays deserve contrived venues, a category in which Houston's does not belong. I like their filets and I have no qualms admitting it. I don't however hang out there with my drinking buddies, sharing salads and drinking Pink Flamingotinis. Contrived restaurants capitalize on fake holidays with fake pricing "specials." They send out emails enticing you to the romantic ambience they are sure to offer throughout the evening of the said special occasion. They have specially prepared made-for-two desserts to cap off the dining experience in the most couple-esque fashion possible. They are (perhaps despite all of the above) romantic. Houston's is not that. Houston's prepares a pretty damn good $36.00 filet mignon. Furthermore, and maybe even most notably, they tend to make a pretty top quality dirty Kettle One martini. Bandera's, however, makes a far, far better dirty Kettle One martini...more on that (and Valentine's Day) later.

Q: What other somewhat intriguing aspect of our conversation am I not at all surprised by?

A: The fact that early on in our conversation, we directly discussed (and, even spiritedly agreed upon) the near worthlessness of graduate level education. Context is everything I guess.

Q: What final somewhat intriguing aspect of our conversation am I not at all surprised by?

A: The fact that I mentioned frequently running down San Vicente from Brentwood to the beach. You simultaneously seemed interested, while slightly horrified by the idea of long distance running. You even mentioned your foray into the sport which consisted of your near paralyzing ½ mile golf course jaunts. Nevertheless, within minutes of reading the first word of your blog, I'm made aware that there is a 10 mile run situated securely in your bucket list. Wilshire to Ocean and back on San Vicente is very nearly that precise distance. Pick the time and day - my preference would be a Sunday.

Q: What off-the-wall question do I have for you?

A: At one point during the night, you and [name-withheld] simultaneously each had your phones in hand. Were you texting one another?

Q: What less off-the-wall (though more conditional) question do I have?

A: If yes, what was the nature of your texts?

Q: What should be obvious?

A: I am quite direct.

Q: What may scare you?

A: I am quite direct.

Q: What am I most worried about?

A: My Colgate smile coefficient.

Q: What am I not at all worried about?

A: Everything else.

Q: What does your schedule look like over the next few days?

A: I'd love to get together for lunch, dinner or even just a cup of coffee.

Some final thoughts:

-Technically speaking "60 circumferential clockwise degrees" would have been an equally complicated (and possibly more plain stupid) way of describing that you were sitting directly to my right at a round table of 6 total people. However, I felt that employing the temporal based description was critical to the word image I attempted to paint describing the proximity change which occurred during the course of the meal. In hindsight, it may have been too complicated.

-The butter nut squash at Houston's is off the charts.

-My offer to connect you with my friends who are working on the cooking social networking site was an unconditional one, and I expect you will have a great deal to talk to them talk about.

-Grammatical prowess is one of my true strengths. In fact, my most recent employment performance review concluded with "And he has excellent punctuation." That being said, I am far too tired to proofread this yet again so please afford me some slack in that arena.

-And last of all, in case you weren't aware, a slew of singles is the new triples.

-It is now 4:30 AM. Goodnight.”