Guy Ritchie

Madonna, who we always love seeing in films (that's a joke), is getting ready to direct her own film (we wish that was a joke).

The film will feature two stories. The first is a historical love story about the Duke and Dutchess of Windsor, and the other is about a modern couple.

Guy Ritchie said ex-wife Madonna is "retarded." For real. He really said that.

His exact quote was: "I still love her. But she's retarded, too." Takes one to know one, huh?

Madonna told David Letterman last night that she will won't be marrying for a third time.

"I think I'd rather be run over by a train," she said. Madge also, evidently, has never had a slice of New York pizza (how is this possible?), so Letterman took her up the street to grab a slice. She doesn't eat cheese (of course), so she took hers with basil and olives on top.

We don't know many New Yorkers who would say that's the same!

Madonna’s ex husband, Guy Ritchie is set to direct the live adaptation of DC comics’ drama, Lobo, about an alien bounty hunter, for Warner Bros.

The character originated in 1983 and has had several different looks. In the film, he is a seven-foot tall, blue-skinned, indestructible anti-hero who drives a spiffed up motorcycle. He lands on our planet in search of four fugitives who are causing chaos.

Production on Lobo begins next year.

Justin Timberlake has reportedly promised director Guy Ritchie he will appear in one of his next films.

The two men were spotted at Ritchie's Punchbowl pub in London recently, and the pair shook hands on the deal.

Timberlake, 28, could appear in Ritchie's upcoming projects including the musical Guys and Dolls and also a remake of the war film Wild Geese.

Madonna has left Malawi empty handed.

In the indomitable words of the Soup Nazi: “No baby for you!”

In case she needs something to comfort her as she slinks off without the matching set of African children she so coveted, her ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, the one who called her “It” (as in Stephen King’s scary baby killin’ clown), issued this statement in the ultimate show of class:

Last night Elle Macpherson (who, we hate to say, was looking very Dina Lohan) and Guy Ritchie had dinner together at the Notting Hill Brasserie in London.

Was it a hot date?

The couple was reportedly quite cozy, though they left the restaurant separately.

But that doesn’t mean they didn’t meet up later.

Ooooooo.

—Sasha Perl-Raver

Ever since the report that Guy Ritchie used to call his ex-wife Madonna “It”, she’s been sent over 100 copies of the horror movie and nearly 50 copies of the novel about a child-murdering clown.

“She’s received the packages at all of her addresses so she suspects they are from somebody she knows. And she is furious,” a source said.

Bwahahahah!

Hilarious!

–Sasha Perl-Raver

As Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s marriage was coming to a bitter end, Guy started calling her by the name “It.”

He would say things like, “Oh, It’s in a bad mood today,” and, “We can’t make It angry!”

Perhaps inspired by Stephen King’s classic novel? Madge does look a lot like that scary ass clown.

When asked about the nickname, Madonna’s press rep replied, “It hasn’t been in a bad mood since the divorce was finalized.”

–Sasha Perl-Raver

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are pulling a Madonna-Guy Ritchie.

The couple has been swamped with rumors they’re heading for a breakup despite welcoming twins Max and Esme ten months ago and renewing their wedding vows three months ago. Like Madge and Ritchie, who waited until she was kicking off a tour and he had a filming opening to maximize press, Marc and J-Lo are planning their split to coincide with Marc’s big concert at Madison Square Garden on February 14th.