The Golden Globes

We don't like Angelina Jolie anymore.

With her taut, shiny, botoxed and chemical-peeled face at the Golden Globes on Sunday, she was sour, dour and unappreciative.

Once upon a time, she was our very favorite (circa Playing by Heart).

These days, she's just a husband-stealer with a Mother Teresa complex, a baby on every appendage and no sense of joy or irony anymore.

We miss the wild child who stole cars in sixty seconds and made out with her brother.

Mariska Hargitay is a freakin’ trooper.

It’s just been revealed that the Law & Order: SVU star has a partially collapsed lung, but she won’t miss a single day of work according to her reps who announced the condition and promised she would still appear in all episodes for the rest of the season of SVU.

No word as to how this happened but apparently it was over the Christmas vacation and wasn’t caused by on-set trauma.

WTF?

Is she in an Ike and Tina situation?

Is she a Special Victim herself?

Worst:

Earlier today we said that Rita Wilson looked like "an over-the-hill showgirl in an off-the-Strip production of Thoroughly Modern Millie" at last night's Golden Globes.

We realize now, we were too kind.

We missed the whole fish scale-iness of the dress too. Is she paying homage to her husband's film Splash?

Tom's face says it all.

Either someone just farted or he's fighting the urge to tell his wife just how busted she really looks.

We're willing to bet it's the latter.

The Golden Globes have long been our favorite of the award shows, mainly because there’s liquor readily available on all the tables so everyone gets trashed and the likelihood of something inappropriate happening gets exponentially higher as the night goes on and the alcohol consumption goes up.

As usual, last night was a mix of highlights (go, Slumdog!) and lowlights (seriously, why is Renee Zellweger still famous?) and here they are...

In case you were keeping score, need to settle a bet or had a Golden Globes pool, here's a complete list of last night's winners in the order the awards were handed out.

During Mickey Rourke’s acceptance speech at the Golden Globes, the screen inexplicably went dark for a good five seconds.

At the time we thought it was a delayed reaction from the censor after Rourke called his Wrestler director Darren Aronofsky a “tough son of a bitch.”

Actually, the blackout was caused by Aronofsky’s reply, which was to give Mickey the finger while the camera was on him.

So "bitch" is okay but the flying finger isn’t?

Where’s George Carlin when you need him?

We already told this ho to step off!

Are we gonna have to cut a bitch?

Last night, Megan Fox took her newly botoxed face to the Golden Globes instead of bringing her boyfriend Brian Austin Green, who, she said, was home “working on his music.”

(Oh, David Silver. You know we’ll be with you through thick and thin, but that’s asking a lot of us.)

Zac-y Pooh brought his longtime girlfriend, Vanessa Hudgens, on the party rounds after he finished his presenter duties at last night's Golden Globes.

Do we even have to remind everyone how lucky Vanessa is?

Sigh.

Long have been the days of the red, strapless, sweetheart mermaid gown. It’s a Hollywood classic.

At last night’s Golden Globes, both Kyra Sedgwick (nominated for The Closer) and Eva Longoria (who presented with smokeshow Simon Baker) did their best Jessica Rabbit, Eva in Reem Acra, Kyra in Oscar de la Renta. But who wore it best?

Eva in her skin-tight, pushed up version or Kyra in her Gilda version?

All we’re saying is, somewhere Rita Hayworth is giving Kyra golf claps.