Right Now, Someone is Crank Calling Nicole Kidman

Attention, Citizens of Toronto!

Tom Cruise has lost his Blackberry. We repeat, Tom Cruise has lost his mind.

We mean, Blackberry.

If found, please return to…

Oh please, who are we kidding?

Tom Cruise did lose his cellphone while in Toronto promoting his new film, Valkyrie, but we all know that if it is found, it’s not getting turned into the lost and found like a stray mitten at Woolworth’s.

That Crackberry is chockfull of high level Scientology officials, the direct numbers to everyone from Steven Spielberg to David Beckham, intimate texts and emails, possibly even the identity of Suri’s real father.

For all we know, the Cruise Crackberry may hold the answer to who killed Kennedy and where to find Jimmy Hoffa.

Cruise’s assistants have reportedly scoured every TV studio across the city but can’t find the phone anywhere.

We’re guessing that’s because it’s already on the black market being sold to the highest bidder. Bwahahaha.